I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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