my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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