I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
