Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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