My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
