I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
