you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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