dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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