I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
