My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
