Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
