I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
