Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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