Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
