Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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