My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
