if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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