do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
