"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
