How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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