he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
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He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
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You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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