Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
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