I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
