He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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