There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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