When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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