sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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