i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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