He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize