Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
