My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
