Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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