don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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