I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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