I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
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