Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I supernannyed him into submission
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
