Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
