you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
