hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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