I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
