Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
