You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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