i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
