also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
