I am midnight drunk by noon
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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