She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
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