Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We named our party play list daddy issues
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
