The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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