Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
