Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Randomize
