I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
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