John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
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