i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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