Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
