we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
