"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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