I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You've changed since you got that strap on
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
