just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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